Tuesday, July 21, 2009

The Last Venusian

I want some great stories. Anyone voting against great stories is a soulless shit and should be stuck on an ice floe 'til death.

But, if we're gonna go back into space, this time I want those assholes from NASA and their consultants and PR people to all shut the fuck up. Not one word about how we're creating valuable technologies that industry can use. That crap has to be shit-canned.

I want ADVENTURE, goddammit. Big brass-assed stories with thrills, chills, back-stabbing, REAL heroism, white knuckled fear and great big missions to be accomplished on behalf of God and History.

And, frankly, if you fucking Americans aren't gonna get back into the Adventure and Excitement and Big Paul Bunyan kinda thing, then you better just piss off and get out of the way. Because it was the one thing you were good at, and damned if I can think of any others these days.

I want American astronauts who piss tobacco juice into a tin can tied to their leg, who wrangle an extra buxom blonde on-board, who get liquored up and take potshots at the left-over lunar landers, who've got hooks for hands and insist on unscrewing radioactive jars with them, who climb down onto Mars and bust off the ladder behind them so that other prick has to stay in the lander, who secretly bring their own mix tapes and play 'em back to Houston for hours on end while refusing to answer THEIR questions, who make up stories about fighting 3-eyed space Martians, and then laugh at their naivete, while saying nothing - not one word - about the slimy 1-eyed Martian bastards who actually appeared and ate that other guy you never liked much. Or maybe the Russian guy, if it was a joint mission. Yeah, fuckit. Eat him.

I mean, what the hell happened, America? Frat boys got yer tongue? It's like it became all about the money - and nothing about the adventure. When did "live free or die" turn into "park free or pout?"

I wanna see Astronauts with degrees in etymology AND entomology. One-eyed quarterbacks that like to unscramble alien genetic codes. Unhappy kids named Charles from Nebraska who enjoy guns and dislike other species. A super-genius who can't get girls, Siamese attached to a super-duper genius who can. That sort of thing.

America's Martian Adventure.

I'd pay to see that.

quinn the eskimo


Billy Glad said...

Put me down to play the unhappy kid named Charles from Nebraska who enjoys guns and dislikes other species.

Billy Glad said...

Unless you can get me into the next Sprite commercial.

Billy Glad said...

What's lacking, the astronauts say, is an inspiring goal, a motivating force, such as what the objective of landing on the moon did for the Apollo initiative.

"To me, exploration is going someplace that you haven't been before," said Aldrin, who would like to see NASA move on to Mars, rather than leading a return to the moon.

The current plan, developed in the wake of the 2003 Columbia accident, is for NASA to complete the space station, return astronauts to the moon and eventually move on to Mars and other destinations in the solar system.

Will the wiley Obamaman abandon that safe boondoggle and risk proposing an expedition to Mars? Don't hold your breath.

Tom Manoff said...

LOL. Billy Glad writing in quinsky.

Decidere said...

Are you back, Monsieur Venutian Formula 16, abandoned your team of very merry gondoliers?

I suppose the first thing we could do is try transplanting a Venus Fly Trap on that hot crusty surface of Mars, and if Mars really does have water, that leads to one conclusion to really spice up the space race: Mud Wrestling!!! Lessee, buxom bimbos (yes, the Venutian blondes), a Canuck and a penguin out of Bloomtown. Perhaps someone with a whack stick in case they stop writhing and stomping and waddling. And then a reality show and a spinoff of Lost, perhaps "Lost in Space" to be original. That tabakkie stuff could have Burt Reynolds doing "Smokey and the Bandit", using the pup from Johnny Quest. Yes, think of this response as a Bridge to Nowhere, but then what are our dreams typically made of but no sense and nonsense.

James Fenimore Woebegone,
Last of the Fabulous Watusi Bros.
somewhere N. Borneo
Post Restante

Billy Glad said...

Writing in quinsky.

Nobody can do that, Mansky. I just promoted one of his comments.

Apparently, you've treated him so shabbily when he's posted recently that he's decided to hang out in the comments threads. Hoping to avoid you, probably. Learned that from the Eddies.

quinn the eskimo said...

Ok. Any progress on the script while I was gone?

No, eh? Listen. When I say "America" & "Americans," do you all think I'm somehow excluding present company? You're the HIVE dammit. Home of QUALITY story-telling. The ones with the BIG-TIME twists in the tale. And Mud-wrestling, Smokey & the Bandit, Sprite money shots & the dead Eddies are not cuttin' it. They're symptomatic of the problem.

Shit. There's not even a dwarf in it.

You know what they call an American without a script?


Rootman said...

You can't top the moon shot. Mars is just gilding the lily. The reason we don't go back to Luna is that there's nothing there. Like Mars, it's worse in every way than the worse place on Terra.

For all the money a Mars program (more sentimental than adventurous) would cost, we could develop human-animal hybrids, and pit them against each other for wagers.

quinn the eskimo said...

That's a good idea Rootman, but I think it can be made GREAT.

We develop human-animal hybrids, and then pit them against each other.... ON MARS!

That is soooo workin' for me.

And THAT'S the kind of idea that made America great. Ultimate-Inter-Species-Hybrid-Fighting-On-Mars.

We could charge 'em millions for front row seats. NO pay per view. Beautiful, eh?

And I wanna see Des crossbred with a Koala. Man, that thing would be vicious.

Or at least, confused.

Decidere said...

You mean like when Bandit breeds with the Venutian Blondes? Offspring meets Des bred with Des. (Or a Koala, but them things are mean, bite like hell). What kind of rating you think this film will get? Art theaters and IMAX only, no way it'll get general showing. But it should.

Billy Glad said...

It has less chance than those Sprite commercials.